Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????