Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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Just watching 50 Shades of Gray with my dad
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[on a date with a teacher]
Me: your eyes are beautiful
Her: yours too
Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you
Her: i don’t know CAN YOU
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.