@dadmann_walking

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

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@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

@PinkCamoTO

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

@ruinedpicnic

[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful

@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

@stevevsninjas

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

@DanMentos

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.