CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.