I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.