CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.


There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.


I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


[on a date with a teacher]

Me: your eyes are beautiful

Her: yours too

Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you

Her: i don’t know CAN YOU


sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life


“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.


They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance


Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!


People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.