Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Friday night party time 🥳
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.