My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
best review i’ve ever seen
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”