Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭