Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Lube but for my dry humor.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Not today, today.
Not today.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.