@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

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@andlikelaura

me: expecto patronum!

[30 minutes later a sloth crawls out of my wand and goes to sleep]

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

@CulturedRuffian

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

@fro_vo

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

@Brentweets

“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”

@Ameiam

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.