(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
goldfish mafia
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.