(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.