Cha-ching is my safe word
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you