Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My dad.