@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

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@StellaRtwot

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

@AntozWolf

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

@patnspankme

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

@portmanteauface

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

@jonnysun

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

@SatansTongue

*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
NO!
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
“But daddy-”
DON’T CALL ME THAT

@mom_tho

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

@xLiserx

So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?