*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*