Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
so this horse walks into a bar
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage