Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
You Might Also Like
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*