Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!