Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP