It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
No. YOU-buprofen.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.