First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.