[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
These fireworks are awesome! High four!