Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
gm
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.