officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Care for your back
Who did it better?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing