Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

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I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.


The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night


When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh


God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.


If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.


james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint


If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.


I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”