Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.