@TuSoonShakur

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

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@Jarhead44

I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@SortaBadass

When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say “the baby is crowning!” and they’ll laugh and laugh

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@Contwixt

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@samlymatters

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

@pro_failure

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”