[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Ok, milk… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall