Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.