@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

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@summerofbenny

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@Rollmaninoz

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

@Kevaclysm

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

@Dani_Feld

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

@ccconnecticunt

Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.