I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.