Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..