I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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i want to work in this restaurant
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Warm pools make me nervous.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.