Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I feel it
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now