“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I only treason on days ending in y
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.