Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.