my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
the official breakfast of 2021
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Cats are still liquid.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together