“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
*launders Kohls cash*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one