Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated