Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast