@birbigs: Changed my outgoing voicemail message to "You have reached the government."
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@WheelTod: Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you"
@ThaJawn: *hands note Boss: *reading* 'Please excuse my son from' Ridiculous! You're working! *thinking* I practiced my Mom's signature for nothing
@KimMonte10: Let's raise our glasses. I'll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We'll name this action after cooked bread
@Reverend_Scott: VENOM: Time to meet your maker! SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider? VENOM: No, like- SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he's dead. Wow, ur a douche.