@birbigs: Changed my outgoing voicemail message to "You have reached the government."
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@eddie_ferrero: HER: What kind of music do you like? ME: Hm. Imagine dragons. HER: Okay. ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
@ArfMeasures: Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house Me: What, really? Neighbour: Promise me you'll get an exorcist Me: I promise Neighbour: It's important because you live alone Me: No I don't Her: Thank you, I promise Me: Oh God
@MikalBershawn: *Kanye trips and falls* SUCH A GENIUS! WHAT A POETIC DEMONSTRATION OF HOW HIS ANCESTORS FELL TO SLAVERY AND ROSE AGAIN *jaden smith cries*