Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

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Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.


me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit


6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.


Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?


*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?


How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl


if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping


Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.


People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.


Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.