Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
When news reporters do sports stories
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir