Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”
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Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades