@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

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@alexlumaga

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

@aotakeo

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

@MdUNH

Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@hotmessminushot

I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.

@PrimeVideo

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.