“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.