Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Yes, this is exactly right
File under excellent bookstore names.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.