** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

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One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious


Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.


I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*


Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.


I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.


16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.

Me: Should we leave a key?

16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.


Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.