[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]


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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*


My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?


Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’


My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.


ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.


When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.


Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.


Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me

Blow your nose, it will pass


Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.