@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

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@donni

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

@kcmoore51

Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@DairylandDon

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

@TomSchally

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

@GreenEyedLoon

Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Mani/pedi ??
Sexy panties ??

Ready for my big *date!

*gynecologist

@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

@tiffpats4eva

Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.