@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

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@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@KolourMeKapes

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@RunOldMan

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

@baeblacksheep

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@R0ckG0d88

Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.

@McKnightyBoo

Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me

Blow your nose, it will pass

@NoogsCorner

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.