[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog