[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]


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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now


Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?


This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.


Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.


It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.


Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-



Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Mani/pedi ??
Sexy panties ??

Ready for my big *date!



The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.


Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.