@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

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@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@RickAaron

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

@_sleepysmile

Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@1Bad_Scientist

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@realHamOnWry

According to the most current magazine in this doctor’s office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

@relatabledad

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

@Book_Krazy

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”