Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
#MeanwhileinCanada
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.