Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE