@fakegothsarah

changing your name legally sucks because they don’t actually change it on anything for you they just hand you a piece of paper and say “have fun taking this to every government agency ever”

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@DougBenson

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

@T_Bonezzz_

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

@dlockw21

Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?

Me: Yeah. Should be fun.

Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

@NewDadNotes

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this