I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
changing your name legally sucks because they don’t actually change it on anything for you they just hand you a piece of paper and say “have fun taking this to every government agency ever”
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Relationship Status: changing locks
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?
Me: Yeah. Should be fun.
Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.
Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this