I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.