Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My prom date everybody
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here