@drayzze

Chaos in the UK.

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@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@ConanOBrien

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

@bazecraze

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

@slaughthie

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

@davidkenny100

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!

Later
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here