Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that