And then there were 4
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Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Dear Lord..
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.