Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
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The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.