I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
You Might Also Like
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.