@ohmygrapeness

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

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@MaryJustice86

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@BlindChow

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

@crylenol

BAE: come over
BATMAN: i’m fighting crime
BAE: my parents aren’t home
BATMAN: *tears up* same

@kngarou

My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru

@SarcasticAlly12

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

@shutupmikeginn

[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now