Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
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I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Plant care tips
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now