Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Seems kinda suspicious
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner