If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Why I divorced her.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Pizza is an emotion right?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.