Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
yeah no that’s fair
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”