@robfee

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

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@batkaren

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

@Freudianscript

Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@MUMSIEesq

ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends

EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh

@sfreeze6

So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?

@GotBadTouched

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

@trukelayser

By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.

@SuburbanSleuth

Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.

I need a life.