*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.
ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends
EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh
So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?
What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.
I need a life.